by Aziza Uko
“AZIZA, I HAVE seen your comments on the forum. I want to ask you a question. In 2009, I was engaged to be married. I went to see a man of God in Badagry, Lagos to obtain confirmation that my fiance is the will of God for me. The prophet confirmed to me that my finance is the one for me. Later on we had problems and the relationship ended before we got married. I am very heartbroken as I thought that since he was the one for me, the relationship must work. I also don’t want to lose the one God created for me. But I have tried everything to bring him back to me. Nothing as worked. Last week, someone told me that he is engaged to someone else to marry the person. Now, I don’t know what to do. Have a lost my one chance at marriage?” – Fredda Tom
First of all, the whole “man of God confirmed our relationship as the will of God” is wrong. The will of God for every Christian who desires to marry is that you do marry and that you marry a Christian OF YOUR CHOICE. God does not choose anybody for anybody. There’s no such thing as soul mate or someone created just for another person. God does not interfere with our right to choose a spouse. When you make a choice, the person is a Christian and the person willingly wishes to marry you, it’s fine.
Nobody’s destiny is tied to another person in marriage. Who you marry does not determine the fulfillment of God’s vision for your life. No human being can derail God’s vision.
So, going to a man of God seeking “confirmation” if your choice is the “will of God” is wrong in its self. Obtaining the “confirmation” is wrong too. Giving the “confirmation” is also wrong.
One of the dangers of the wrong belief in “special” “God ordained person for me” is that it leads one to believe that the laws of relationships are somehow suspended in your case because what God does is perfect. So that person whom God destined for you is a perfect match. Expectations of utopia come into play and the disappointment can be very heartbreaking. Why? Because everybody has to work on their relationship to make it work.
Tolerance, patience, endurance, love, and forgiveness are what a marriage needs to work. The first three have been wrongly castigated in recent times to appear as if they are bad words, but they are not. These are the things that our mothers and grandmothers used to make their marriage work. You can also add humility to the list.
Today, young people are more about rights in the relationship. So, nobody takes the high road and there’s constant conflict. Nobody wants to endure. Nobody wants to apply patience to any situation. Friends and unfortunately moms will be encouraging people to “fight for their right or you’ll be taken advantage off”. I have even heard a mom advising her daughter that marriage is a battlefield. Really? Who is fighting against who? Total nonsense, if I may add.
Your mindset should be of responsibilities not rights.
Sound Biblical teaching calls for endurance, patience, selflessness in relationships. It calls for forgiveness and displeasing oneself for others. The Bible calls Christians to a life of service, this applies to marriage too.
I have a friend, she’s a medical doctor, she’s about 35 years old. She’s the first born of her parents. Her mom and dad split a couple of years ago. You would think that people who were married for 32 years with grown up kids would have understood themselves and would have no reason to split. I asked her what happened; she said mom said she was tired of dad’s bad behaviour. So, the moment mom stopped working on her marriage after three decades, the marriage began to fall apart.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires work every day to make it work.
I think you should read my post, “What does Amos 3:3 Really Say?” and apply the right principles. It will help you prepare to handle conflict resolution in your marriage. That message has produced a testimony since it was posted. A marriage was at the brink of divorce, total stalemate actually, because the husband had impregnated a lady outside the home. After reading that message, the wife decided to forgive her husband and apply the principles in the teaching. Their marriage has been restored. God’s Word works 100% of the time.
What will make your marriage work is not prayer, fasting, or anointing or that the man of God said “it is the will of God”. What will make it work is when you decided to make your marriage work by working on your marriage.
(c) 2011, Aziza
Uko. This work is the original work of the author and copyrighted. It
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