Saturday, July 23, 2011

"I AM SCARED OF PROPOSING"

by Aziza Uko

"AZIZA, I AM a young Christian man. I am scared of proposing to a young Christian sister that I have been acquainted with for some time. I have a feeling that she will reject my proposal and my heart will be broken because I really want to marry her and I think she is the one for me. What do I do?” – Jethro Rock

Brother Jethro, I think you have a fear of rejection. But, don’t feel like you are alone. So many single men are dealing with this issue. So many married men had this challenge before they finally got married. It is normal to experience some nervousness when attempting to make a move that has far-reaching implications in your life. So, the first thing is to realize the kind of spirit God has given you. It is the spirit of power, of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

The second thing is to put things in proper perspective. You can’t force anybody to marry you. God does not force anybody to marry anybody. Your prayer cannot interfere with her freewill. Neither can you exercise your faith against her freewill. She has the freedom to take a decision. So you can get two answers from her and another other woman in this world – “yes” or “no”. When you approach life with the proper set of probabilities, it is easier to accept the answer you get.

Third, a “no” does not mean you cannot get her to change her mind. A good number of married men say their proposals were rejected by their wives the first time. When women say “no”, it means they do not think you are the kind of person they want or they think you are not serious. You have to come up with creative and healthy strategies to convince her that you will make a great husband and you mean business.

If your life has been one of a string of rejections, you may have to review yourself along a number of lines - personal hygiene, dressing, your reputation for treating woman, and your manners. You may also wish to seek God's favour so that you begin to obtain favour before men.

Also, I have seen a number of brothers who are stranded in the area of having their marriage proposals accepted because they place their eyes on women who by their achievements and status in life, would not wish to marry someone like them. For instance, a female medical doctor is unlikely to accept the marriage proposal from a high school dropout.

A wealthy lady would probably not respond favorably to the proposal from a man who is in extreme poverty or perceived to have long-term and enduring hardship in his life.

Also, a lady who has a calling to ministry would most likely be looking for a fellow minister so that her calling would not be stifled by her husband's lack of understanding of what her ministry takes.

Also, some brothers are not realistic about age differences. They think that because they are men they can marry whoever they want, anytime they want. That is not always the case. Age difference is a major fact.

I know a brother who is in his late 40s but keeps approaching teenagers for marriage. I've suggested to him to go to his village and use family connection to get a teenage bride, he insists that he wants a city lady to marry. Which city teenage girl will want to get married to a 48 year old guy who is not particularly handsome or charismatic or romantic or wealthy? He doesn't particularly have any unique selling point. He has become something of a laughing stock right now. It’s not funny.

I've also seen brothers narrow their choices down to fashionable ladies who have a contemporary outlook, whereas, they themselves dress like fundamentals stuck in the scripture union dressing of the 70s. Such sisters too would only be moved by a proposal from a brother that has a bit of dress sense themselves and are forward thinking.

I have also heard many brothers say they are looking for a "virgin" lady to marry, whereas they have slept with many ladies. The truth is that the 'virgin' ladies also want to marry a 'virgin' man. [Every Christian is a virgin, by the way, so the desperate hunt for a virgin is unnecessary.]

Bottom Line: The lady reserves the right to access you and evaluate you if you fit her personal standards of who she would like to spend her life with.

Finally, it makes sense to attempt to woo your lady. Show her kindness, buy her gifts. Tell her nice things, show uncommon respect for her mom. Go out of your way to make her happy. She'll get the message before you even make a proposal.

If you cannot say it to her face, write her a “love” letter, send it by email, send an SMS. Propose to her via her mom or her brothers.

What is important is that your message is respectful, your intentions properly communicates, gives room for her to take a decision, doesn’t attempt to deny her her right to make a choice, and the message gets to her and is understood for what it is – a marriage proposal! If you say vague things like, “I would like us to get to know ourselves better” – that is not a marriage proposal.

Also make room for her to give you a reply. Some brothers are no longer accessible after making a proposal for fear of being told “no”. It’s funny how fear causes people to do strange things. When she gives you a reply – don’t attempt to push your ideology down her throat. She may just resent you for life thereafter.

Also, during the waiting period, don’t go out campaigning to your mutual friends and everyone else. Continue to be nice to her, woo her. Chances are that she’s making a quiet assessment of you.

Be calm, cool, and confident. Women like that. I should know.


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(c) 2011, Aziza Uko. This work is the original work of the author and copyrighted. It may not be reproduced in part or in whole in any form without the permission of the author and proper acknowledgement.

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