Friday, July 29, 2011


by Aziza Uko

With the breaking news of a murder at the hands of a deranged husband last week, much has been said about the faulty judgement of the victim in choosing the man who was to eventually murder her in a very brutal manner. Commonly attached to this victim-blaming analysis comes the somewhat warn-out advise to run if you can't stay.

These comments, for me, spawn the questions:  Do people really hang around people they can't tolerate? Does anyone really make friends with someone he can't stand? Do ladies hang around men who cut the up in little pieces? I mean, does anyone marry someone he or she feels that she can't keep up with her or his behaviour?

I actually think that the so often repeated advise of "don't marry him/her if you can't tolerate him/her" is kind of like preaching to the converted. It's like advising, "if the heat is too much, get out of the kitchen". Everybody does that without being told anyway.

I think most people going into marriage do actually make a choice of someone they like and think they can handle. The unfortunate thing is that some think that they are going to be able to "work" on their choice to get better in certain areas that they think their spouse needs improvement. That's the error. I think men make this mistake in their thinking more than women do.

It's a probability thing when you deal with people. There's a 33% chance that they remain the same. There's a 33% chance that they change for the better and a 33% chance that they get worse in a particular character trait that is. This is not just in marriage. That's they way life goes. Nobody ever remains the same. No human being is perfectly consistent everyday of his or her life in any single area. Some times the best person slips and sometimes the worst person appeals to his better angels and shows a spark of goodness.

I think it is about setting realistic expectations of your spouse, based on the nature of man. It's best to know that when dealing with another human being that:

1. You can never ever exhaustively know and predict a person, even if you live with him or her all your life. It's only God that searches the heart of man.

2. People are going to make mistakes, upset you or put up some nasty character sometimes. The closer you are to the person, the more likely this will happen to you. That's why some people reported to be angels by their colleagues in the office could be described as monsters by their spouses.

3. The only person you have control over is YOU! Even then, you can't perfectly predict your own actions. "Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall." 1 Corinthians 10:12

(c) 2011, Aziza Uko. This work is the original work of the author and copyrighted. It may not be reproduced in part or in whole in any form without the permission of the author and proper acknowledgement.

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